What I do know is this feeling has been making me avoid posting blogs (how sad is that!?). I mean, my blog is mainly about me trying to sell my paintings. I'm feeling like a loser in that department lately, so that is why I haven't been sharing as much. Well, I'm breaking that trend right now, and I'm going to delve into the depths of my overly-complicated brain to try to figure out why I'm feeling so stuck. Oh, and I will apologize in advance for torturing you with these details. :)
Stuck Reason #1: The Wedding
Our wedding, as laid back as the event was, completely consumed me for about a month and a half. I absolutely hated that part. I did not enjoy waking up every morning with a mile long to-do list for a one day event. It was a complete distraction and totally clouded the creative part of my brain. Maybe there is still some residual left-over haze?
Stuck Reason #2: The Honeymoon
I'm having a hard time starting any painting or project with our honeymoon coming up. It's only a couple of weeks until Steve and I head off to Costa Rica, and I'm really distracted by it. I've always been that way. It's like I need a clean slate and zero big events on the horizon to buckle down and get to work. I think it's due to my adult ADD. There can't be anything shiny around me, otherwise I will get completely sidetracked.
Stuck Reason #3: The Transition
One of my best, wise friends once told me that life throws extremely rare, stressful situations in everybody's path at one point or another: having children, moving, getting a new job, death, and marriage. As natural as it was for me to marry Steve, it's still a transition. For some odd reason, it does make things feel more real. I don't really know how to explain it. It's not a bad thing, but it's different. Plus we've been talking about starting a family, so that is another upcoming transition that I know we will have to make in the near future.
Stuck Reason #4: Sad Art Shows
Okay, there is no way to sugar coat this fact--my art shows this past year sucked. I barely sold anything. I suppose it's only natural to not want to go back to that. True, it was my first year and that was to be expected, but that doesn't make it any easier.
This reason pretty much piggybacks on my Stuck Reason #4. Since I deemed myself a failure in terms of selling art this past year, I now have this black cloud of fear hanging over me. I'm afraid to make any artistic decisions! Why? Because what if they don't sell, yet again? What if it's just a waste of time and all I can show for it is a ton of inventory that just won't go away? All of the what ifs... they are so toxic.
So, those are my big reasons for feeling stuck. After reading them, I think they are legitimate. And I now have something to work off of. It won't be easy, but I think I can do because I really want to do it. I have a fantastic support system to help me: my husband, my mom and mom-in-law, Aunt Sandi and Karyn. Steve is definitely my biggest cheerleader. He purchased a bunch of canvases for me for my birthday and said, "I want you to just paint. Just let go and destroy these." I loved that he said that. :) That's the stuff I need to hear.
Once again, thank you for letting me vent. It definitely helps. I knew this chosen career path was not going to be an easy one. I just didn't realize how truly hard it was going to be. I need to keep in mind what Steve always says to me: "It doesn't matter how much money you make, just as long as you are passionate about what you are doing." It's a tough mantra for me to really connect with, but I'm trying like hell.
Peacing out,
Nikki
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